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Boundaries benefit both health and work
By David Olsen
First published: Saturday, November 15, 2008
Times Union
Boundaries are a necessity for healthy people, relationships and getting things done. It is not surprising that the earliest biblical story is about boundaries. Adam and Even found themselves in a paradise, with but one boundary. They could not stay within it, and that led to the first recorded "boundary violation."
In marriage, intimacy and trust flourish within boundaries. Children's psychological health is linked to how their parents create appropriate boundaries for them. Just as no one would think of playing soccer on a field with no marked boundaries, relationships cannot develop well without them.
Clergy and others in the helping professions are prone to burnout, even misconduct, if they don't set boundaries. Yet those basic structures are difficult to build and maintain. How often do we want to say no to a request that demands our time but end up saying yes, and then grumbling about yet another time commitment?
Boundaries set limits on our time. They regulate distance between people. They define relationships among groups. In the end, we would all prefer to have clear limits on our professional roles and be part of healthy relationships within safe boundaries. We would like not to bring work home, to be able to say no to things we are not interested in doing and to balance work and play.
The reality is not so easy to execute. As a psychotherapist and a consultant, I listen to clergy and other professionals on a daily basis describe varying degrees of burnout, resentment and the feeling that they are not taking adequate care of themselves. The need to be liked, to be validated, and to have the approval of others is universal. Yet the greater the need for this personal affirmation the harder it is to say no. We don't want to risk the possibility of rejection by those whom we want to like us. It drives us to work harder, take on more, and opt against self-imposed limts. The driver is in some ways responsible for this vicious cycle.
People who grow up with parents who don't provide validation may unconsciously look to the church as a second family. Not surprisingly, the result is a lack of boundaries. Each of us plays a unique role in our families during childhood. Some are the peacemaker. Others become the hero achieving great things for the family. All too many wind up the overfunctioner on behalf of relatives. The roles we play in our families while growing up tend to follow us into our "work families." So the person who achieved or overfunctioned tends to do the same on the job, finding it hard to say no.
One of the keys to staying creative at work is taking time to study and reflect on how to break free from the tyranny of the urgent. Instead of always feeling pressured to get the next thing out of the way, stop mindlessly saying yes and start creatively pursuing passions. In biblical language, take a regular sabbath — make time for rest, for recreation, for family, and for whatever it takes to stay vital. Set boundaries to balance work and personal life.
David Olsen is executive director of the Samaritan Counseling Center. His seminar on Boundary Awareness is one of the courses offered by the Capital Region Theological Center.
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