Summary
Masks can be fun for Halloween, and they can be helpful for survival... but they always get in the way of closeness in our relationships when we wear them for longer than we need.
It’s that time again! Soon the neighborhood will be swarming with miniature ghosts, goblins, witches and assorted monsters in search of Halloween candy. For children, and even some adolescents and adults, putting on halloween masks and costumes is fun. It can be enjoyable to put on a particular character and play a part.
Masks and costumes, however, can also serve as a great metaphor for relationship problems. Too many people unconsciously continue to stay masked, playing an old role, blocking their partners from really knowing them, and therefore blocking intimacy.
As children, psychological defenses play an important function in keeping us safe. Children living with parents with addiction or mental illness often learn to never rock the boat by not expressing any negative feelings for fear of what it will trigger. Children whose needs were never met, who experienced psychological deprivation, learn to expect very little and never ask for much. The child with a suffocating and controlling parent, frequently learns to stay distant and removed.
Unfortunately, while these defenses served useful functions in childhood, in adulthood they may well be in the way of intimacy. In Relationship Renewal, individuals begin to explore and remove these old masks in the interest of true intimacy. Consider several very common masks:
- First, there is the “mask” or defense mechanism of staying distant. This may be the result of coping with the chronic anxiety of an alcoholic system or a system of violence. Relationally, distancers remain cautious and can appear to be disengaged. Frequently, they are actually lonely but are afraid of getting close. Their partners are frustrated by their inability to get close.
- Second, and in many ways quite similar, is the mask of hypervigilance. Part of growing up in toxic systems is constantly being on high alert and believing that you must manage everything for fear of what will happen if you don’t. The result is great difficulty relaxing and maintaining playful intimacy. In adulthood, attempting to manage everything can make relaxation and connection difficult.
- Third, there is the mask of avoiding conflict or unpleasant conversations. Like the first two mentioned, this way of living as a child was a mechanism for staying safe. However, when employed relationally, the result is often a polite, but not intimate, relationship. Unconsciously, the fear of moving toward conflict will have a devastating impact on the relationship.
These masks/defense mechanisms can be difficult to remove. A first step is to begin to explore defense mechanisms, and begin to take more risk relationally. Intimacy is contingent on fully being seen and known, which is one of our deepest human longings. Sadly, defense mechanisms and masks keep us from what we truly desire. Just as it would be silly to continue to wear halloween costumes and masks after halloween, continuing to stay hidden can have a powerful negative impact on our relational intimacy. Maybe it’s time to begin to explore, examine and remove the masks that are blocking what is truly desired.
