Summary
How well do you know yourself? Do you have a shadowy dark passenger impacting your life and your relationships in ways that you are not fully in control of?
In the award winning show Dexter, Dexter appears to be a very nice, somewhat nerdy detective who has what he calls a “dark passenger”. His “dark passenger” is the fact that he is actually a serial killer with a particular code. He only takes out very bad people, in his mind, for the good of society.
His complex character, however, shows two very different sides: a very pleasant, warm external persona, and a shadow side that is actually driving his life. The shadow is his dark passenger, which is the result of profound early trauma. His internal dialogue on the show is fascinating and reveals the powerful split that he lives with and struggles against.
While the show isn’t for everyone, it puts in perspective the reality that all of us have a “dark passenger.” Hopefully the dark passenger is not similar to Dexter’s, but nonetheless the “dark passenger” within us often drives our actions and relationships far more than we realize.
Freud called this the power of the unconscious, while Jung referred to it as the shadow. Psychoanalytic tradition explores the forces that often unconsciously drive our lives. The good news about Dexter is that at least he knows what his “dark passenger” is and how it drives him.
Sadly, too many people remain unconscious about what is driving their relationship dynamics. As a result, their relationships often suffer.
More practically, here are some examples that I frequently encounter:
- Under the person relentlessly striving for success is often a person who feels inadequate and insecure and is trying to find acceptance through achievement.
- Under the very angry person often lies deep hurt that is too scary to face: the persona is a tough distant person; the dark passenger is a very vulnerable and frightened child.
- Under the person who is always overfunctioning often lies a child who grew up with deprivation and is terrified that if they stop overfunctioning, their world will collapse.
The list could go on for quite a while, but hopefully the point is clear. Too often what is seen on the surface is covering a “dark passenger” that is really in control. As the late psychoanalyst Carl Jung pointed out, health comes only when we recognize and integrate the shadow. Trying to push the shadow (or dark passenger) underground only adds to relationship difficulties.
This work takes courage, and often the help of a skilled therapist, or someone we really trust, to help us move toward a deeper understanding of ourselves. Intimacy grows only when we are able to recognize and integrate these different dimensions of self, and share deeply with a partner who can show empathy and love. Healthy relationships can only occur when we become more aware of what drives us, what we long for, and how often our defenses keep us from getting what we really want.
