Shortly after New Year’s Day, the advertisements for Valentine’s Day start; everything from florists to jewelers to fancy chocolates. For many, dinner reservations and a creative gift are attempts at rekindling love. When all is said and done, relationships tend to go back to their normal state after a few days. Unfortunately, the best gifts or dinner reservations, while romantic, will not compensate for unresolved wounds and the way they impact relationships. The better gift might be to work on your shadow: the hidden part of the self.
Carl Jung spoke of the difference between the “persona” and the “shadow”. The persona is the self we want people, especially our significant other, to see. When two people first fall in love, they frequently fall in love with each other’s persona; the person who is articulate, good looking, a good listener, etc. Under the persona lurks the shadow, which is the part of us (frequently unconscious) that we don’t want seen; the abandonment issues that generate anxiety, the terror that causes us to push people away, the entitlement, etc. This theme frequently appears in great literature and movies: a dark side of the self emerges that creates surprise. Dostoyevsky’s fascinating novel, The Double, plays with this theme as the protagonist struggles with his “double” – aspects of the self he didn’t recognize as him that destroy his life. To know the shadow and integrate it is to live life and relationships more fully and healthily.
Consider the following examples:
- Beneath the highly successful person often lurks deep insecurity and shame. As a result, they become highly reactive and angry when they experience anything they perceive as criticism from their partner. These arguments become intense without either party realizing what is going wrong. Their shadow self’s fear and entitlement ends up causing great pain and distance and keeps them from feeling truly “known.”
- Beneath the over-functioning person is fear of losing control and giving up the “security” they gain by controlling. Without realizing it, they attempt to overfunction and control everything in their family’s lives. They report high stress and often resent their partner, but are unaware of what’s driving the problematic interactions.
- Beneath the anxious person pursuing their partner is a person who is terrified of abandonment. In not acknowledging the “shadow” of their fear of abandonment, they are always pursuing and end up pushing their partners away due to their anxiety.
- Beneath the person who distances and appears avoidant, is a person afraid of being engulfed and controlled. Their “shadow” self is frightened of being overwhelmed and so rather than talk about it with their partner, they continue to maintain distance and thereby avoid intimacy.
- Beneath the person who appears incredibly self sufficient is an individual that grew up with very few of their needs met and therefore experienced deprivation. Their “shadow”, however, is actually quite needy and longs to be cared for. Unfortunately, that desire remains hidden and underground, leaving them hurt and resentful that their “hidden needs” are not met.
Intimacy grows when we take the risk to be open and vulnerable, dropping our defenses, and begin to talk about our insecurities, our deep wounds, and our fears. All the creative gifts in the world will not compensate for truly knowing ourselves and our partners, both persona and shadow. Mature relationships are built on honest communication with self and partner, vulnerability, and deep empathy; these result in fully being seen and known.
