Summary
All relationships can become stagnant over time. Key efforts can help to prevent or rectify this.
Does life ever begin to feel flat and, at times, boring? Has your intimate relationship become stagnant? It is all too easy to fall into a rut both individually and relationally.
The late psychoanalyst Erik Erikson was best known for his description of psychosocial stages throughout the lifespan. He suggested that at each developmental milestone, there is both a challenge and an opportunity. In adulthood, Erikson suggests that the fundamental challenge is that of generativity vs stagnation: it is far too easy to become stagnant both personally and relationally.
While most relationships begin in a state of idealization, too often they devolve into stagnation where partners take each other for granted. We begin to assume we “know” our partners, reducing them to categories such as husband, wife, too emotional, too cognitive, critical, unresponsive, irresponsible, and the list goes on. The more we view our partners through these lenses, the more stagnant the relationship becomes.
Healthy relationships, on the other hand, are generative, meaning they continue to grow and evolve. Partners begin to discover more and more about each other, and love and partnership deepens rather than being stagnant.
In the midst of life’s pressures and business, though, how do we remain generative? The Relationship Renewal model provides some suggestions. (Renewing your relationship: 5 necessary steps)
The first step is to focus on yourself instead of your partner. Rather than focusing on what you believe your partner is doing wrong, or needs you believe that they are not meeting, focus on your contributions. What are you doing to be more loving, more supportive, and creative in the interest of increased generativity? Too often we wait for our partner to initiate instead of focusing more on our contributions to generate increased creativity and play.
Second, continue to explore the picture you have of your partner, and train yourself to see a broader picture. Look for strengths, allow for surprise, assume you really don’t know your partner as well as you think. In C.S. Lewis’ words, allow yourself to be surprised by joy as your picture expands. Rather than always focusing on those irritating qualities, remind yourself that there is far more to the picture.
One of my favorite writers, Frederick Buechner has an essay based on a dream called “a room called remember”. Memory can be powerful, and too often we forget. Using that as a springboard, remember what you were originally attracted to and build on strengths that you originally saw and attempt to grow them.
The poet Wendell Berry catures this in a poem that I read to my wife at our 50th anniversary celebration. It speaks to the hope of generativity and deeper ways of seeing:
Sometimes hidden from me
In daily custom and in trust,
So that I live by you unaware
As by the beating of my heart,
Suddenly you flare in my sight
A wild rose looming at the edge
Of thicket, grace and light
Where yesterday was only shade
And once again I am blessed, choosing
Again what I chose before
