The quote in the story about Snow White, “Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest one of all?” was spoken by the beautiful, but wicked, queen. The mirror would respond “Thou, O Queen, art the fairest in the land.” All was well until one day, the mirror responded to the question with a different answer – Snow White – and the queen became enraged.
We all want to be mirrored, but frequently do not always like the answers we receive from the people around us. Like the queen, we confuse mirroring with validation. Validation focuses on general affirmation; “you are amazing, you are awesome,”, which most cynical people realize is simply someone “blowing smoke” and, therefore, not very helpful. Mirroring is accurate and helps us see who we are and know ourselves more deeply. It is the foundation of self-esteem and self-confidence.
What is mirroring?
Mirroring is the ability to see someone clearly, and then provide feedback to help them see themselves accurately. Picture a mother and infant imitating each other’s smiles, facial expressions, and cues. It’s cute on the outside and we tend to smile while we watch them interact in synchronicity. Behind the scenes, mirror neurons in our brains are creating a “brain to brain hookup”, which is responsible for the mom-baby imitation routine and the sidelong smiles at watching such wonderful play.
Unfortunately, when that infant cannot find itself in its mother’s eyes (maybe mom is depressed and not responsive to baby’s cues) it goes into distress. That need for mirroring and being seen never goes away. It is like oxygen. At our core, all of us long to feel seen and understood no matter what age we are. We also know the emotional pain of not feeling seen and understood. For those who grew up in dysfunctional families or families with addiction or mental illness, there was very little accurate mirroring. Children who grew up in these families are often chronically anxious and are not clear or confident about who they are. Other children know the experience of having to build up and “mirror” their parents at the expense of their own needs being met.
Every day, I sit with people in great pain as the result of never having been seen, or the pain of being in a relationship with someone they believe doesn’t know them. If mirroring is like oxygen, the absence of it can leave us feeling emotional starvation.
So, work on being a good mirror!!
This means that you recognize that the people in your life want to be seen and known no matter what age they are at. In order to do that:
- Practice empathy: work on understanding the subjective reality of the other. Meaning, try to see the world the way they do, as opposed to how you do. Provide feedback to those in your life about what you see, and check in with them to see if they feel like you are getting it.
- Listen carefully: very few people actually listen. (Think about how many people in your life actually listened to you in a way that you felt deeply understood.) Too often, we are distracted, playing with our phones, or thinking about our response before the other even finishes talking, and insert our own biases, which leaves the other not feeling understood.
- Watch, observe, and be curious! This is especially true for children, but true at any age. Be attentive and ask questions in order to better understand and therefore mirror more accurately.
- Be careful of your filters, and pictures of the other that keep you from seeing them accurately. This one is very complicated! It is easy to mirror things that you value, or only mirror qualities that you want to develop. For example, choosing to mirror and reinforce a child’s abilities in math, but not their artistic abilities in the hopes they will be an engineer. Or, reinforcing a child’s over-responsible role for the way it helps the family and not seeing their other qualities. In the family I grew up in, my parents wanted me to be a minister, and so they only mirrored those qualities that would indicate interest in that vocation, while not supporting other passions and interests. When my wife bought her first guitar, her father commented that “that didn’t fit who she was”, meaning the picture he wanted her to fit. We could all cite numerous examples.
- Finally, remember, empathic listening and accurate mirroring is the best gift we give to those we care about. In the end, it can be transformational.
