Summary
When we slow down and examine our beliefs, especially during emotionally charged times like the holidays, we give ourselves a chance to show up with intention rather than autopilot.
Thanksgiving is just around the corner, quickly followed by the Holiday Season. Some of us enjoy the planning, while others quietly dread what’s ahead. That dread often comes from the beliefs we carry about the relatives we’re about to see; who we’ll run into, what they’ll say, and how the day will unfold. Many of us have relatives who can push our buttons, trigger us, or bring up unpleasant topics, especially in this time of political partisanship. By the time we arrive, we’re already shaped by a mental “movie” about what will happen, one that started long before we opened the door. But what if those mental pictures of our relatives aren’t entirely accurate?
Recently, I came across the results of a 2019 CivicScience poll asking whether students should be taught Arabic numerals in school. Surprisingly, 56% said no. At first this seemed funny, but it quickly felt sad. How many respondents actually knew what they were rejecting, and how many simply reacted from a “gut feeling” shaped by their beliefs about the word Arabic? The irony, of course, is that Arabic numerals are the numbers we use every day: 1, 2, 3, 4, and so on. The sadness comes from realizing how often our internal belief systems run quietly in the background, unexamined.
In a world of rapid information, headlines, and social media built to reinforce what we already believe, it’s easy to react without reflection; to respond from assumptions, fears, or inherited narratives rather than facts or understanding. These unexamined beliefs don’t just show up in polls; they also show at the dinner table. Holidays activate old stories about who our relatives are, what roles we’re expected to play, and how certain conversations will go. Sometimes these stories are accurate, but often they’re outdated or shaped by past experiences that no longer reflect the people in front of us.
When we rely on those old internal “movies,” we stop giving others room to grow or surprise us… and we deny ourselves the chance for new experiences and deeper connections. So this Thanksgiving, instead of letting unchecked beliefs run the show, here are five steps to help prevent assumptions from harming your relationships:
- Notice the Story You’re Telling Yourself: Before Thanksgiving, pause and ask: What am I expecting to happen? What assumptions am I making about this person or this interaction? Simply naming the narrative can help loosen its grip. If we become aware of our assumptions, we can challenge them and do something different.
- Check the Story Against Reality: Ask yourself: Is this belief based on what’s true today, or on something that happened years ago? People grow. Circumstances shift. Yet it’s easy to react to the 2014 version of Uncle Mike instead of the person sitting across from you now. The tricky part is that if you respond to someone as though they haven’t changed, they may fall right back into that old role, just as you fall into yours. When we step out of those familiar stories, even briefly, we create space for something new to happen. Sometimes, we even get to be pleasantly surprised.
- Slow Down Gut Reactions: If someone says something triggering, even a breath or two can interrupt an automatic, defensive reaction. That brief pause gives your thoughtful brain a chance to catch up with your emotional brain. While emotion is essential, often signaling something important, it’s only one variable in the complex world of relationships. Ideally, emotion should inform our thoughtfulness, not take the lead.
- Get Curious Instead of Certain: Replace assumptions with gentle curiosity. Questions like “Can you say more about that?” or “What made you think of that?” open space for connection and reduce the power of the stories you walked in with.
- Set Boundaries with Compassion: Acknowledging that someone has changed doesn’t mean you must tolerate harmful behavior. Clear, calm boundaries (“Let’s take a break from this topic,” or “I’m going to step outside for a moment”) protect both your wellbeing and the relationship.
When we slow down and examine our beliefs, especially during emotionally charged times like the holidays, we give ourselves a chance to show up with intention rather than autopilot. This shift doesn’t guarantee a perfect Thanksgiving, but it does make room for more meaningful connection, less reactivity, and perhaps even a few surprises.
Thanksgiving doesn’t require us to ignore our history or pretend difficult relationships are easy. It simply invites us to show up with a bit more awareness than we had the year before. By noticing our internal beliefs and choosing how we respond, rather than reacting automatically, we create healthier dynamics and protect our own wellbeing. If these patterns feel overwhelming or hard to shift on your own, our team is available to support you.
